By Elly Ho, Wish Kid

When I first found out about my diagnosis, I was in a state of shock. I didn’t know how to react because quite frankly, I wasn't even too sure what leukemia was. All I knew was that it was cancer, so it had to be bad.   

My family was understandably worried and devastated. My mother sobbed hysterically when we heard the diagnosis. I’d never seen her cry -- ever. As an oncology nurse who used to work at Memorial Sloan Kettering, she was anticipating how difficult treatment was going to be.  

On a good note, my diagnosis has brought me closer to my entire family. My sisters and I always had our rivalries and we were never close, but after my diagnosis, we got to bond and now they are among my best friends. I was always close with my mom before my cancer, but our relationship got stronger, as she was right by my side every step of the way.  

I don’t think I fully processed and understood what it meant to be a cancer patient until I was halfway through treatment. In the beginning I got to stay home from school and sleep in. I got to eat whatever I wanted, because I needed to gain weight to prepare for the treatment. I got to binge watch all my favorite shows.  

But as the stages grew more intense, it became much harder. I began losing my hair, I became very weak, I barely ate. I would also get terrible pain from the procedures. I didn’t go outdoors much, because my immune system was very susceptible to infection and bacteria. It was very lonely - my friends and sisters had school, and my mom had work. I missed out on holidays, staying in the hospital for weeks straight.  

Cancer impacted me more mentally than physically. During the times where I felt so physically drained from chemo, that’s when my mental health was the worst. I felt like I would never get better and that the “finish line” was so far away. I began questioning my purpose in life, and I even had suicidal thoughts when treatment was extremely bad.  

But eventually treatment got easier and I could slowly transition back into “normal life.” This part was just as hard, if not harder. I felt so ashamed of who I was, because I wasn't a “normal teenager” doing “normal teenager things.” I felt so out of touch with my old self, and it made me feel so insecure and anxious.  

With my hair loss, weight gain from steroids, and loss of all physical strength, I felt like a completely different person… someone who I didn’t like.  Once treatment ended, I didn't feel “normal,” but I didn’t feel “sick” either; I felt like I was stuck in limbo.  

When I was given the chance to wish, I wished for a shopping spree. I chose new clothes and beauty products but the best, most important item was my wig. I lost all my hair from treatment and it was my biggest insecurity.  I didn't want to be seen as a cancer patient. Normal was what I desired, and the wig made me the closest to normal that I’d been in a long time. It made me feel comfortable with myself. 

My wish represented a new beginning because it helped me transition back to school. I finally got to leave behind my “cancer life” and start my teenage life. Because I got diagnosed in 8th grade, I never got to experience my first year of high school, nor my second year because of Covid-19. I didn’t make any new friends, I didn’t know how to blend in.  

During the summer before my first year of high school, I had the idea of creating a club dedicated to helping people with cancer. My teacher, who beat leukemia a few years back, reached out to me about starting a club together and now I am President of the Cancer Support Club. It is a safe space that provides students emotional support, whether it’s because they’re impacted by cancer directly or whether people they love are impacted by it.  

My advice to teens who are going through trauma is to reach out for mental support. During my treatment, I didn't talk to therapists or to anyone else really. I just didn’t want to talk about my personal emotions and feelings. I struggled with a lot of anxiety and I definitely underestimated the toll of my mental health on my overall healing and health. I’ve been seeing a therapist who’s helping me tackle these issues, so I can enjoy being a teenager again and realize that cancer is not all there is to me. 

My plans for my future are still undecided. I do know that I want my high school career to be dedicated to cancer-involved work.  I plan on becoming a Make-A-Wish mentor. After high school, I want to get into NYU, my dream school, and I want to pursue a job in the medical field. I’m not sure of what job, but I have some thoughts of becoming a psychologist. Whatever I end up doing, I know I want to help.